Self-talk. We all have it – it’s that little inside voice articulating our thoughts – a little voice that is often best kept to ourselves. Our self-talk can contain some, shall we say, ‘colourful language’ when we are faced with confusing situations or people we find to be frustrating.
The thing about self-talk is that it’s normal and exists primarily to keep us safe by calling our attention to things that might do us harm. If we develop an awareness of our self-talk and how it influences us, we can turn it into a wellspring of strength and optimism.
As leaders, our self-talk sometimes causes us to assume the worst of those around us. Have you ever heard the following in your own self-talk?
- “They called in sick? On a Friday before a long weekend? A likely story!”
- “Oh great. Another weekly coaching conversation and they’re still making the same mistakes. Carelessness, plain and simple!”
- “More missed sales targets this quarter. Can’t wait to hear about how they think they deserve a raise and a bonus!”
The term ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’ was made popular by an American psychologist named Carl Rogers. When we practise Unconditional Positive Regard, we intentionally see those around us as good, worthy, and trying to do their best. It goes much further than simply giving someone the benefit of the doubt (and, perhaps, secretly grumbling it…) – rather, it asks us to truly believe the best about others.
With our Unconditional Positive Regard engaged, the self-talk examples listed above might be transformed into the following thoughts:
- “They called in sick? Gosh, they weren’t sounding too good yesterday – I hope it’s nothing serious!”
- “Another weekly coaching conversation and they’re still making the same mistakes. I know they’re smart and capable – I wonder if something I’m doing is causing confusion.”
- “More missed sales targets this quarter. I know they’re working hard to hit them – heck, I’m not sure how I’m going to hit my own targets this quarter!”
To be clear, Unconditional Positive Regard doesn’t mean simply giving everyone a free pass – it does mean that we assume the best in others, which changes our behaviour towards them.
So, what’s the connection to COVID-19? To say the pandemic has presented us with next-level challenges is an enormous understatement. Be it job- or financial-related difficulties, relationship challenges, or sickness or death of loved ones, all of this has been a LOT to deal with. We soldier on because we have to, but it’s safe to say that most humans are currently struggling with more questions than answers.
If we let it, COVID-19 can teach us to see those around us as good, worthy, and trying to do their best given a very challenging set of circumstances. When we view others through such a lens, our self-talk is more gentle, and our behaviour is more tolerant. Leaders who are able to view team members this way are well-equipped to show up with sensitivity, humanity, and a willingness to collaborate on finding solutions – all of which are much-needed traits as we forge our path into the post-pandemic workplace and beyond.